Jul. 7th, 2010

Once upon a time I used to think writing thinsg down was a good thing. Then somewhere along the way, like everything else I stopped doing it. It became something I couldn't keep doing. It got swallowed up by my apathy too. Just like everything else. Sometimes I have these feelings of crippling emptiness. Which sounds dramatic but it's the best way to describe it. Most of the time I just keep going and hold it at bay. Just keep going and ignore it. I don't think I can do that anymore. Mainly because when the levy breaks I'm screwed. I've been crying pretty much straight for the last six of seven hours.

I know there is something wrong with me. I don't know how to go about getting help. I know my life isn't the life I want to be living. I don't know how to change that andd I get overwhelmed and so fucking afraif whenever something comes up to change anything I end up not doing anything. I'm always so fucking afraid. I don't even know what I'm afraid of anymore. I'm afraid of too many things so I just live in fear of everything.

I honestly don't know how to function as a human in society. I don't like other people for the most part. People are mean and petty and I never see any good in anyone. Except for babies. Babies are cute and haven't yet learned or been taught to be horrible.

I'm not happy. I've never been happy for more then seconds at a time. I lost seventy fucking pounds and I thought it might make me happy but it didn't. I mean if that can't make me happy what can? I just don't see the point in anything anymore. I haven't in a long time. I'm too chicken shit to do anything but sit here and bawl and sob and hate myself. Cause I might hate everyone else too but I hate myself the most.

Writer's Block: Book based

Is there a book you really loved that was subsequently turned into a movie? Did it live up to your expectations? Why or why not?


Fight Club is probably the best book to movie adaption amongst my favorite reads.

Mar. 12th, 2010

I think best when I'm driving, late at night. I can think up long explanations for my general sense of apathy towards life and other people. I can articulately explain my views. I always lose it as soon as the music shifts in the wrong direction (I like jazz or classical best for late night driving). When I'm alone in my car driving on deserted roads I can be witty and smart and sharp and all the things people rob of me. I don't trip over my meanings and I'm not foggy with my words.

My words seem to have left me. I used to be able to just write out what was on my mind with being so self concious. Now I'm so self concious about everything. Every little thing.

Jan. 7th, 2010

Up in the Air is an amazing movie. I love it. Can I get Ryan Bingham's life?

Dec. 23rd, 2009

I try and do things that will make me happy. I always thought if I lost weight I'd be happier. Fifty pounds down and not so much. I still hate my job, but love most of my co-workers. I still feel like I'm bothering the people I consider friends by calling them and asking them if they want to do stuff. I feel like it's not worth thier time to spend it with me. So I do things alone and remain lonely.

My satalite reciever died. Not even television loves me.

I am fueled by slim fast and red bull. And apples. And peanut butter.

My hair smells like the strawberry air freshener I bogught at work today to spray the parcel that smelled like rotting food. So the back room smelled like rotting food and strawberries. At least my hair doesn't smell like rotting food.

I'm just typing things at random to get them out of my head.

I have to stop buying magazines. I bought a lot last month because as much as I hate to admit it I'm a Twilight fan girl. So I have Pattinson's Vanity Fair, and the Harper's Bazar cover of them and an Entertainment Weekly cover that says Team Bella. Cause Bella gets shit on a lot for not being stronger. I don't like that. Plus I bought Women's Health and InStyle. Yeah I need to stop buying magazine and actually read one of the three books I'm halfway through. Though Atlas Shrugged is starting to get interesting I can't seem to just sit and read it. I think I may give up One Flew Over, cause yeah it's drving me nuts. Which is an appropriate reaction I guess. I want the new Palahniuk to come out in soft cover... I think I have awhile to wait yet. The next Sookie book doesn't come out till May.

I mean to re-read a lot of books but sometimes I just can't do it. Like The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. I couldn't finish that a second time even though I loved it the first time. Which is wierd. I've tried re-reading American Gods too but I never seem to get very far without abandoning it.

I only have three episodes of Farscape left plus the mini series. I'm still not sure if it was worth the splurge. I really enjoyed re-watching it, and it's mostly what I remember it being which is good cause soemtime I rewatch stuff and I'm completely baffled by how I ever liked it. I still love it. I just don't know if it's going to be re-watched often. I've been watching so much Farscape lately I ahven't done my great Christmas episode marathon. Veronica Mars's and Futurama Christmas episodes, Supernatural too. I did watch A Very Venture Christmas though. Which is pretty damn awesome.

I'm not very excited for Christmas. My job sucks all the joy out of it. People bitching at you because Canada Post didn't get a parcel somewhere on time when your not a Canada Post employee and can't do shit to help them sucks.

I should go to bed but I had regular red bull instead of sugar free this morning and it's making me very awake.

Nov. 7th, 2009

I feel very very trapped. I live in basically, the woods. The house is far enough from town walking anywhere is not an option. Going to town to do anything is questioned. I pay for the gas in the car and most of the car yet at 23 I'm questioned about what I do with it, why or what I do with anything or about anything. She's trapping because it's the only way she knows how not to worry but I'm coming to hate her for it. For what she's stopped me from doing just by using her Motherly influence.

I honestly feel like I'm starting to loose my mind and I have no idea how to get it back.

S Darko sucks.

Donnie Darko is one of my favorite movies. I pretty much love everything about it. So when I heard about S.Darko I figured it was going to be a steaming pile of crap; a movie that isn’t a direct sequel, and has no involvement from really anyone from the first film (with this exception of Daveigh Chase, Samantha Darko). Yeah none of those factors really lend to me thinking good things. I decided to give it a chance anyway.

I should have just saved myself the trouble and not bothered.

Worst.Movie.Ever. Collapse )

If you have any respect for Donnie Darko as a movie, stay away from S.Darko. It'll just make your brain hurt.

The Great Harry Potter Re-Read of 2009

So I saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince the Thursday after it came out (which was the 14th I believe). I was struck by how much I did and didn't remember of the book, so after a bit of grouching about my sanity I dove in and decided to re-read Harry Potter. All of it. Thats 3704 pages. I'm 1427 pages in, just having finished Goblet of Fire. This is where things get interesting.

Reading Goblet of Fire, I was struck by how much of it I remembered, certain turns of phrases and the over bearing intensity you feel when reading it just echoed in my brain. While I was reading yesterday I got to chapter thirty one and I stalled for about an hour and went and found something else to do. I knew what was coming and unlike Harry I could delay the enevitable. I didn't yet have to enter the maze, and face what happens when the cup is in hand. I was at work when I was reading this, so one of the things I did was seek out my friend and co-worker Shawna. Now Shawna has made fun of me in the past for the ways my emotions speak when I'm reading... I can't even mention New Moon around her because she makes fun of me because I told her how it feels like all the air is gone from the room when Edward leaves (but when I read it I didn't know he was coming back). I remembered feeling intune with Harry to some extent wen reading the graveyard scene and I wanted to push it back. I explained this to her, she laughed at me again and I put on my big girl pants and started reading again, only to be inturrupted by actual work and be left hanging. I didn't get to finish reading until after midnight last night, this morning. The book was like a brick in my purse I just wanted to rip it out and keep reading. The tension sustained.

So I finished Goblet of Fire, and I'll remember Cedric Diggory (and before it's said- no not because he's played by Pattinson in the movie), and I will read Order of the Pheonix. Which always makes me feel like I'm traped and alone while reading it. Here I go.

Star Trek is Awesome.

Short form: The new Star Trek movie is awesome. Before it are some awesome trailers as well (though the GI Joe one seems kind of silly, despite Christopher Eccelston's presence).

Long form needs spoiler cut Collapse )

Apr. 11th, 2009

Sam Tyler figured how to wake up, why can't I?

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"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth." -Alphonse Elric

"I see all this potential, and I see us squandering it. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." - Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk

“One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no tears, no regrets, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs, and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine.”
-the First Doctor, The Dalek Invasion of Earth
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